Sorority girl, yelling: Umm and fuck don't even rhyme!

-- University Place

Guy: ...maybe I won't teach my kids beer pong.

overheard by: J

Girl: And I was like, I just put my hand down your pants! And you want to go to sleep?!

-- line for Starbucks, Norris

overheard by: T.

Sorority Girl 1: I can't believe he cheated on me with his ex. I am never going to forgive him.
Sorority Girl 2: But you cheated on him like 3 times. With different guys.
Sorority Girl 1: ....yeah. I guess we're even.

-- In class, Harris 107

overheard by: lauren v.

TA to near-tears freshman girl: ...but if you get a B I'm not going to find you, like, swinging in your bedroom, right?

-- outside Harris Hall

overheard by: anonymous

Dude: I don't like social drinking unless sexual rewards are involved.

-- Core, University Library

overheard by: E.

Girl: She is so beautiful. She must live off diet coke and coke.

-- Sheridan road

overheard by: brendon.

Drunk girl: If I had an eskimo, would you make sure it didn't fart on my face?

-- Sheridan road

overheard by: jeffrey m.

Dude dressed as Samuel Adams, to his girlfriend: Alright, YOU drink a fifth of jack and then tell me what you want to do ... other than hit your wife.

-- Oak and Church

overheard by: chris w

Freshman Guy: Dude, I'm definitely rushing lodge, sig ep, or hundo.

overheard by: Alex

Drunk guy: What if my shoe were Alanis Morissette right now?

-- Allison Hall lobby

overheard by: Kathryn D.

Two freshmen not-so-subtly hooking up on the side of a wall:

Girl: You can touch me there.

-- Maple and Garnett

overheard by: Alex

Drunk guy with car, yelling to friend: Dude, I have two choices... either park my car here and get towed, or get a DUI. What should I do?!

- Hamlin st., morning of NU-Michigan football game

overheard by: Hannah

Drunk guy: Dude, that bird's totally gonna fry when it steps on that third rail!
Sober guy: Bet you five bucks it won't.
Drunk guy: You're so on.
(Bird steps on rail, nothing happens.)
Sober guy: I. Am. A. Wizard.

-- Davis El Platform

overheard by: Rusty

...and this is the battle of waterloo

History Buff, on Tyrell Sutton: Dude, he's freaking shorter than Napoleon!

-- Ryan Field, at the Duke football game

overheard by: John

DiversifyNU Performer: Everyone knows girls suck at math.
Freshman Girl: That's not true! I'm a girl, and I got a 5 on my AP Calculus exam!

-- Essential NU Diversity Seminar, Louis Room

overheard by: D-Mac

Girl: ...And speaking of orgies, it's like a one in four chance of a good time.

-- Outside Philly's Best

overheard by: Alex

Sorority Girl 1, after working out: I'm going to be so skinny tomorrow.
Sorority Girl 2: Not if you eat that bagel, fat ass.

-- Sorority Quad

overheard by: VM

Girl, after 4:30 am fire alarm: If this is burned popcorn, someone has an enemy.

-- Outside Allison Hall

overheard by: megan c.

Drunk Freshman Boy: So here's the deal: you're really sexually attracted to me.
Drunk Freshman Girl: ...Wait, really?
Drunk Freshman Boy: Yes.

-- Alison Hall

overheard by: Rusty

Girl: Aw what the hell, who got Keystone?
Guy: Shut the fuck up and enjoy the free beer.

overheard by: Eric

Sorority Girl: I enjoy the finer things in life, like Franzia... and Chili's.

-- Bobb Hall

overheard by: brad

Girl: It's okay, someone told me that this phone works better if you throw it on the ground.

-- Tech express

overheard by: Allie

Freshman Guy, on Cell: Meet me at xxx Hamlin St... Remember that place I got really drunk and made out with a fat chick? Yeah, meet me there.

-- Hamlin St.

overheard by: og

Girl 1: We have so many black squirrels at this school.
Girl 2: Yeah... they are the slaves to the normal ones.

-- Library Quad

overheard by: meredith t.

Girl: I want to live like a Colombian coke lord.

-- Foster and Orrington

overheard by: chris a.

Girl on cell: Yeah, I think I still have vomit in my hair from last night... [pause] ... Yeah, of course I'm going out!

-- CVS

overheard by: k

Girl 1: I love fat guys. I'm serious. I totally love fat guys.

Guy 1: Okay, why?

Girl 2: She likes the cushion.

overheard by: ryan e.

U-Haul Worker: Okay, what size do you want? 10 or 14 ft?
Girl: Ummm, well... how big is the 10 ft one?

-- U-Haul Center, Dempster st.

overheard by eric l.

Girl: Could you please stop smoking?
Smoker: You're all sluts.

-- Bus, Senior Formal

overheard by: bus rider

Guy: I'll take a shit on your chest and you try to tell me it's not sexual.

-- Caps game

overheard by: mike w.

Girl 1: Did you get any dessert?
Girl 2: Are you kidding? I don't do dessert.
Girl 1: Please, I haven't been full in my entire life.

--Women's bathroom, Senior Formal (Soldier Field)

overheard by: dessert eater who is full

Techie: This is my third drink in my life!

-- Senior Bar Night, The Cubby Bear

overheard by: Ramona

Grad student: I'm going to get kicked out of this school if I don't stop acting like a Latin American.

-- Kellogg

overheard by: Margie

Girl 1: Do you think the actress who plays the deaf girl on Weeds is actually deaf? She looks deaf.
Girl 2: You're retarded.
Girl 1: That's not very P.C.

-- Party, Ridge and Davis

overheard by: jessica l.

Girl 1: I'm just really nervous to drive this summer, cause I don't know how.
Girl 2: You mean you don't know how to drive stick shift?
Girl 1: No, like I've never driven before. [long pause] Wait, they don't still make stick shift cars do they?

-- Sorority Kitchen

overheard by: max p.

Girl 1: Do you prefer Pellegrino or Perrier?
Girl 2: Lauren*! The poor drink Perrier.

-- Norris

overheard by: gemma

Drunk girl, crawling on hands and knees at 2am: Don't judge me! I got a 1500 on my SATs!

-- The Arch

overheard by: ruth

Girl: I'm so hungry, I could eat carbs.

-- Tapas Barcelona

overheard by: concerned carbohydrate consumer

Guy: When I get married, I'm going to take my wife to Cape Disappointment for our honeymoon.

-- Bobb hall

Professor: You all think you're unique, but that's a crock.

-- Tech LR4

Girl, whispering: Guys, I think I put my thong on sideways today.

-- 5N, University Library (Finals week)

Guy: I just really needed to decompose after my last final.

-- Info commons, University Library (Tuesday of finals)

Girl 1: I'm kind of hungry.
Girl 2: Yeah, me too. I could definitely go for something to snack on... like a cocktail.

-- On the Red Line

Stressed undergrad: Yeah, I have to write a 25 page paper on my experiences with racial ideology.
Girl: Oh my god, I would just write a list of every time I talked to a black person... but I would never be able to get 25 pages.

-- Foster st.

Girl 1: Did you hear about Joe*? I heard he got a tapeworm in Africa!
Girl 2: Yeah, I heard he lost like 30 pounds.
Girl 3: I wish I had a tapeworm.

-- Norris

Girl: I might as well die. Maybe my professor will just accept my corpse as a final assignment.

-- Info Commons, University Library (Finals week)

Drunk slurring girl: Your friend told me he wants to kiss me where I pee.

-- 1800 club

overheard by: shan

Girl, referring to a Canadian dime: Um, is that an Indian money? Oh well, same thing... I don't listen to hip-hop.

-- Elder Dining Hall

Drunk girl: Let's just walk to the Chicken Shack. It's only 2 blacks away!

-- Ridge and Simpson

Girl 1: Wait, so why are you so into this guy?
Girl 2: Well... he was nice to me once.

3rd floor, Norris

Guy on cell: Yeah, and then he was at the house and ended up sleeping with the mom... and the dad.

-- Lakefill

overheard by: jamie

Girl: One time I thought my pants were too tight, but really I just had diarrhea.

-- Sargent dining hall

Sorority girl: Yeah, there is no bread at the house, so I had to make my sandwich on a bun.... A BUN. (closes and blinks eyes slowly).

-- Francis Searle Building

overheard by: sarah

Nerdy guy to group of grad students: Well, dude... it's kind of like a deathstar... but more like an intergalactic space carrier.

-- University Library, Info Commons